The School Journal #2 – The Discovery of Self & The Tenth D2

. . . Cntd of #1

The times when we feel we’ve lost the whole world just because we’ve lost one single entity to which we’ve attached so much of emotional importance is horrible. Almost all, every one of us has felt that. The horrid meditations of a scarred minds are the most horrific things one can possess inside. They can’t be thrown out and can’t be kept inside. No one can change it and we cannot accept the undeniable fact. Humans are stupid; that is what I feel, and extending the idea, I take the label of being the stupidest. I know, I shouldn’t be taking the credit of being the most stupid, there would be million other emotionally handicapped people like me. We are all a family and we are got the biggest family if you ask me.

The Time When I started Trying Really Hard to Fit In:

Who is that I have? What is that I have? What kind of value am I attaching to the things I possess? Hm. . . I didn’t know, I don’t know. Apart from my younger sister and a few people in life, nothing makes sense. They are not reasons for me to live, they’re just reasons for me not to die. The prime reason for my existence as a human can never be attained. Nights have passed away with the face wrinkled in weepings. Days in meditation upon the things which wouldn’t return. Stars have been my best friends for a greater part of the disaster; nothing can replace what is lost. Never can that place be taken by any living being or a thing. I sang numerous songs and poured out poems on it. I prayed for it. Worshipped it. The only thing I ever wanted or wished for. Hm. . . How would it fine when I am like this? Is that possible? I don’t deep into things and start talking about soul connection and all, but. . . Can one eye not shed tears when the other is crying? I REALLY DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER, AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.

What was I doing before I started doing something? That is a question even I cannot answer today. It is as good as ‘what was present in the universe even before the universe existed?’ No one knows; maybe the universe itself doesn’t remember! I was just lost, one, falling and yeah, it goes on with the words like oblivion and all. I don’t know how deep that was, but deep in there I found a shimmering golden duo: Shiva and Vishnu or Vishnu and Shiva. “Wouldn’t the savior of this Universe be the savior of yours?” Who is the savior among the duo, I cannot say, but yes, I understood it is them and them alone. Or He alone. And the fall took a miraculous turn towards the things which I’ve never experienced, thought of, dreamed about or known before. A chant conquered my head and it said: Shivaaya Namaha, Shivaaya Namaha; Shivaaya Namaha Namah Shivaaya, Shivaaya Namaha Namah Shivaaya. He caught the falling me by my hand; I can feel his strong grip around my wrist.

My heart is stable. It is leaning on an Aghori who is meditating with an ash-smeared body, snake crawling neck, trident holding hands, Halaa-Hala filled throat and a burning third eye. My place in a spiritual plane is secured. It is safe; no one can claim my place there. Now, my place in this plane too should be a bit better. Not a very good place, no, I don’t need or want it. I don’t expect or aim for a really glorious luxury or something. A comfortable place for the ‘self’ to sustain in this plane is more than what I really need. Just a place where it wouldn’t be crushed. A place where it doesn’t go under traumatic experiences, that is all. And that is what I started searching. A place where ‘self’ can be free from questions or stress for a while.

The Tenth D2:

How can something or someone grab my attention or interest passionately again? I didn’t know. All I wanted was something to excite me again genuinely. A single person or a single entity cannot do that, I am sure of it. No single person in the whole world can get me excited. But, I didn’t think of a ‘congregation’ of people or a collection of objects. Keeping objects aside, I didn’t know how a congregation could take my love. There was nothing like that sort of an idea in my head, but that’s what has happened: a huge congregation taking my head with them. Every one of the congregation is important. They all together form a single entity which would excite me again, maybe not as excited as I was, but yes, certainly is making me feel alive again.

The voice of the class as a unison heals something which is broken in me. There is some psychological dysfunction in my head, I am able to understand that, but those many kids with innocence in eyes, excitement in tone, eager in actions and importantly, ready to learn is not at all a small deal for me. That was what I am searching for. The congregation. A congregation which would light up my face and a congregation whose face would lit up at my sight. then is when I thought: I will make them sing, I will sing for them, I will make them dance, I will dance for them, I will make them laugh and I will smile for them, yes.

I loved them with bounds. Not without, but with bounds. I am conscious of what I am to them. I am a teacher. I should facilitate them with what they might need to get the best out of the school. then I become determined: I would try to get them the best they can. I opted myself to be the class teacher of the class. I chose it. I started thinking about the class. About the lovely students in the class. About what I should be teaching them. About how they’d react to what. I started thinking about what they would like and what they wouldn’t so that I can always give them what they just like and nothing else. The class even started dominating the Sacred Matra of my Japam and daily prayer; the thoughts of the students conquering my head.

The Song that Filled My Heart:

Cntd #3. . .

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