How I Landed Up In The School:
Going through the past few days is not as easy as going through the days before those. “Happy life,” is what anyone would name mine and my friends’ and yes, we were happy and content with what we were doing. All of a sudden, many things broke down and suddenly we found ourselves hanging on a very loose thread. Our achievements were nothing but a number which would impress many but wouldn’t do any good for us. Ranks are what we got, of course, a bit of language, but we were stuck in middle of somewhere which we weren’t able to comprehend.
We already had wasted a year trying to do something. Something, which I too cannot explain precisely. Our efforts bore no fruits. Two of our friends (including me) got through SET, a state scholar exam, which generally isn’t easy, but it proved no good, and it too couldn’t yield any immediate effects. We were worn out. Completely. We were exhausted. Totally. What to do next, we didn’t know. The guilt of being at home and depending on fathers and mothers (respective) haunted us all the time. The regret of not opting for good when we got chances; waiting for the preparation too sometimes pierced our fresh minds. I understood every one of us was at their prime time and it is the time to make some decision. But I wasn’t ready for any kind of change. Not that I am afraid of it, and yes, I can’t explain what else that was.
We dispersed. Everyone wanted to do what they are good at. One of our friends could find a Ph.D. seat for himself, and that brought a good feeling among us. But what about the remaining of us? That lingered over, and this time, it was much stronger and felt ore omnious. Along with my friend Usha Kiran (I’d refer him as Usha in the later parts), I went to this school named The Sun School. Even today, I cannot say if that was a good decision or not, but we did it. Till we would find some or the other better way, we thought it would be a good place to stay, which would make us independent and give us time to plan and prepare for our future actions.
The (Mis)Fit In:
The most common individual phenomenon of the modern world, importantly in countries like India, if you ask me, is being exhausted and worn out. The world, the society, the community, the family we live in, do not really care what we really are. It would be the same even it is not you, but some bakara has born in there; they would set up the same expectations. Every imposed-failure in this corrupted social system is a victim of helplessness and confusion.
We too are the same. maybe a few of us are not. But I am. I am a victim of this, and I know this as good as any other victim of this expectations-system. It doesn’t let us do what we want to do. it doesn’t let us sit or think at peace. It wouldn’t like you if you are simple and are on your own. it would like people who are dependent, who are really thinking hard and breaking their heads, it wouldn’t like the guy for whom life is not about sticking at a place and growing high, but staying low and moving all the life. I am of that kind: I am of the kind who doesn’t want to achieve golden success in life. Of course, I have a few dreams, but not of sticking to be secure and living in the sub-conscious-assumption that we would live forever.
People get old, and they expect the ones around them to behave old too. people get wise, and suddenly they expect all the others to act wisely. The state of our head seems the perfect way to proceed through the life, but we always tend to forget the fact that there were infinite other ways too. We have behaved stupidly yesterday, and somehow we tend to forget that. The guy who is acting stupid this day seems stupid for us. We have acted wisely yesterday, but the guy who acts wisely seems to behave old today, just because we wanna have a funny or stupid time. Ah, the matrixes and mazes of mind are exhaustively surprising for my little head. Knowing theories is different. Explaining them is different. Prophesizing a few is different amongst these following a few is very difficult!
The time when I started trying really hard to fit in:
. . . . (Contd in #2)